Pause.

I never really have been the type to feel. I perceive myself as an emotionally-detached person. I think, I rationalize, I connect things with my logic, but I very very rarely listen to my heart. I stopped doing so years ago.

As we approach the end of this year, I find myself feeling very deeply about everything around me. Family, friends, nature, everything. I can sense myself changing, maturing, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Since primary school, I was a very shy child. I only had one or two close friends, and I get really, really attached to them. Things change though- friends move schools, they make new friends, get involved in bigger groups of friends. I never fought back. I let go of them very easily. I did not contact them, I became awkward with them, I called them ex-friends or “old friends”.

Secondary school is a whole new story. I made a new best friend almost every year. I lose them almost every year. It is sad. I became friends with them, pour my heart out to them, cry, laugh, do everything with them for a whole year- and just, stopped. I was devastated, but they seemed fine. They had new friends, better friends, more popular, more fun groups. It made me think, was I not good enough of a friend? Was I too boring? Too plain? After all I shared with them how could they leave me just like that? They never came back. We talked, we apologized, we hugged it out but it was never the same again. They became strangers. The worst thing was, I never fought with any of them. They all just, drifted away as if I am phase in their lives that was not important enough for them to carry along. They dropped me and there I was, struggling alone in the open sea.

When I was 16 I swore to myself I will never, ever get attached to anyone again. Nobody is my best friend, no guy I like will be my boyfriend, no teacher will be my favourite-nothing. And for a while I thought I was happy living like that. I could have many friends that I can talk to with perfect knowledge that they will all leave one day and I was ready to let them go. Looking back, I probably pushed people away a bit too much. I didn’t like it when one friend was around me all the time and I told her to sit somewhere else, do something else, stop following me around. I ended up hurting myself and the people that I loved. No one trusted me, people misunderstood me and that is all because of this high wall I built around my heart that no one could break into.

And I questioned myself again and again, why is it that everyone is only around when I’m happy? When I was sad or had problems I was all alone?

2015 just nailed it all on the heart. For the whole second half of the year I was shattered, the two people I trusted most, the close friends I was just beginning to cherish, all of them slipped one by one from the tips of my fingers.

Enough with the sob stories. It’s all water under the bridge now. All I want to say is, I’m glad to have been able to develop stable and strong relationships now, and there’s nothing more I hope than to be able to keep all these important people by my side for as long as I can. Even if I have to let go, I will let them go with peace and not leave matters unattended and avoided anymore. The emotional aspects of myself are still growing and I’m only starting to understand the value of constantly appreciating the things around me; environments, nature, sceneries that might not be there and available for long, thus I shall cherish them wholly.

Ps// I miss writing. I miss it so so badly.

 

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