Prayers

I randomly found this in my drafts, I wrote this when I was 18! 4 years later, so many things have happened in my life. I lost myself, spiralled into depression and my faith was challenged greatly. Reading this back, I am reminded of a time when I held on to faith firmly when facing difficulties. Since then, I have had many thoughts, many reflections, many doubts on Islam and somehow, I end up back in this same place. This same feeling, 4 years later. Almost as if my younger self has written a letter to 22 year old Maryam, saying “it’s okay, you’ve overcome many things through prayer and you will overcome this too if you stay hopeful and steadfast”.

I never truly felt the importance of praying 5 times a day until I was 17. Growing up in a conservative Muslim family, it has been instilled in me that the most important thing that I should take care of in my life is my prayers.The obligatory prayers we call salat is often referred to as the pillar of Islam. Until today, my mum would relentlessly remind me and my 4 siblings that no matter where we are, no matter how busy we get and how difficult it is, prayers are something that we should never abandon. Me being the most liberal and inquisitive in nature, I always took these words lightly as I never really understood the significance of these routine actions we do each day. I would perform my prayers to please my mother and look good in front of my family, and it became more of a chore than something that I would voluntarily do.

The wonders of life would sometimes triumph over the values my family worked so hard to plant in me. Occasionally, the call to prayer would be drowned by the loud music blasting from my earphones and I would find myself making excuses to perform my prayers later and later. I was so used to praying that it almost lost all its meaning towards me and my life.However, I still made it a part of my life, partly due to my obedience as a daughter and partly because deep down I knew that it was important, I just couldn’t figure out why yet.

That was when a particularly difficult time shone the light on what I have been looking for all this time. It was a point in my life when I felt extremely alone. There were problems brewing up in all directions, be it at school, at home- I was a huge, sad mess. I couldn’t talk to anyone about the things that I was facing because I was too embarrassed to reveal the dark side of me. I tried to resort to music, busying myself with work and studying but none of it could fill the emptiness that I was feeling in that moment. That was when I found peace and solace in my prayers. The words I recite in the prayers, “Unto You alone we seek for help and salvation”, “Guide me to the righteous path” truly resonates within me and made me feel that I was never alone as long as God is still with me. Prayers kept me from falling into depression and letting anxiety consume me by giving me a sense of reassurance that there will be ease after every hardship.

As life progresses on and more obstacles come in my way, I could face them head on with the calmness and confidence that my prayers have given me. I perceive life now with a different outlook. Prayer humbles me by serving as a constant reminder that life is temporary and everything I have will one day be taken away. Those few sincere minutes that I could use to connect with God each day makes all my problems seem small and all my hardships bearable.

Prayers remind me to be virtuous. It does not seem right to talk bad or harm others just a few minutes after praying to God for forgiveness. In prayer, we can put all things in perspective and see what is really important in life. It provides us with a break from the artificiality of modern life and forces us to reflect on our actions and how they might be affecting others. It makes me feel protected and I know that I am never alone.